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Granny Baby (Uncut)
Plot Jimmy accidentally turns his grandmother into a baby after she drank the youth potion. Transcript *(This episode begins at Neutron's House) *(3 or 4 SUITCASES by the back door. Hugh takes some preparatory weightlifter breaths, bending to lift them.) *'Judy': Oh no you don’t, Mister Muscles! (Judy looks disapprovingly on.) If you hurt your back lifting those you’ll be no use to me tonight on our third honeymoon when I want all the hotel room furniture rearranged. *(Jimmy and Goddard stand by the cases.) *'Jimmy': Goddard! Fork-lift! (Goddard’s lower jaw lowers to the floor like a forklift, scoops up the cases, backs up – BEEPING - and trundles the cases out the door.) Don’t couples usually go on second honeymoons? *'Judy': We had one of those but thanks to a certain young genius and his Forgetto-Blaster it was wiped out of our brains. *'Jimmy': Oh yeah. *'Judy': Along with the entire fifth year of our marriage. *(INT. KITCHEN – DAY (FLASHBACK) *(The Neutrons, looking dazed and brain-dead, are shown around the kitchen by Jimmy, holding his FORGETTO-BLASTER. As if to a 2-year-old:) *'Young Jimmy': And this... is toast. *'Hugh': Toast. *(Hugh puts his foot through the toast like Frankenstein putting on a pair of pants.) *(INT. FRONT HALL – DAY) *(Hugh chuckles at the memory.) *'Hugh': I just hope to darnation we didn’t have any other children. *'Jimmy': Da-a-ad! I woulda told you that! *'Judy': You told us your allowance was four thousand dollars a week. *(Jimmy flashes a busted smile.) *(EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY) *(Minutes later, at the car, packed for the trip. Judy writes on a slip of paper for Jimmy.) *'Judy': If you need us here’s where we’re staying: Wild Animal Land, in the Dead Zebra Carcass Suite. Granny Neutron’s coming over while we’re gone. *'Jimmy': Mo-o-om! Don’t you remember my theorem proving mathematically I don’t need anyone to watch me? *(INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT (FLASHBACK) *(Jimmy stands before a blackboard full of equations, which all boil down to the last line, “� a2 babysitter.” He concludes, triumphantly:) *'Jimmy': ... ergo, “Sigma Alpha-squared” does not equal babysitter! *(Judy and Hugh sit with their bound copies of the theorem.) *'Hugh': The math does seem to be in order. *(EXT. DRIVEWAY / FRONT LAWN – DAY) *'Judy': She’s not watching you, you’rewatching her. She’s an old lady who’s been through a lot, even if you don’t include raising your father - *(On the lawn Hugh pretends to be a tiger snapping at a BUTTERFLY.) *'Hugh': Grrr! I’m a wild tiger! Snap! *'Judy': - so don’t try any more of your tonics or crazy brain rays on her. *'Jimmy': Whatever do you mean? *(Jimmy pushes a button on his belt. A metal HALO raises from his collar over his head. Judy pushes it back down.) *'Judy': Don’t play Mister Innocent with me! At her age the last thing you want, besides an overabundance of cheese in your diet, is excitement. *(With a screeching of tires a CAB hurtles down the street and careens to a stop against the Neutron’s trash cans. Granny Neutron gets out of the driver’s seat and addresses the terrified CABBIE cowering in the back.) *'Granny': Told ya I could get here from the airport in under fifty cents! (She flicks two coins in the window and goes to the cab trunk.) Jimmy, you tote my clothes... (She hands Jimmy a small valise.) ... and Hugh, you carry my pills, syrups, salves, serums, girdles, ointments, medical devices and miscellaneous supports. (She takes 4 BIG cases from the trunk and drops them in Hugh’s arms. CRACK! his back goes out. Judy shakes her head.) ---- *'Granny': Tastes funny. Of course, what do I know – after sixty your sense of taste completely disapp- *(KA-ZING! She disappears, leaving just a pile of clothes on the armchair.) *'Jimmy': Granny?! *(There’s a LUMP under her dress. A diapered BABY crawls out.) *'Jimmy': Granny! You’re a babe! *'Granny Baby': You shoulda seen me at 16. When I walked down a beach lifeguards swallowed their whistles. *'Jimmy': No, I mean you’re really a babe. *(Goddard turns one shiny metal side to her. She sees her reflection and gasps.) ---- *(Sheen dives back down into the box. Jimmy walks over hiding Granny behind his back, nervous. Cindy scowls.) *'Cindy': What are you doing here? *'Jimmy': Fine, thanks. So, say! Great stuff! Aaaaaa, I was wondering where your mom is. *'Libby': At the Five-and-Dime buying more cheap stuff she can pretend she’s sacrificing at bargain prices. *'Cindy': She is not! (to Jimmy) Why? *'Jimmy': I need some help with – (no way around it) this. (He thrusts Granny/Baby forward. The girls qvell.) *'Cindy & Libby': Ooooooo! Ahhhhhhhhhh! (then; sniffing) Ewwwwww! Ahhhhhhhhgh! (They back off.) *'Jimmy': I think she might need changing. (The girls wave their hands in front of their faces.) *'Libby': What was your first clue? *'Jimmy': So you’ll do it? *'Cindy': As much as I detest helping smug pseudo-brainiacs, my nurturing female instincts will not let me leave a helpless infant in your care. Where’s the new diaper? *'Jimmy': What’s wrong with the one she’s wearing? *'Cindy': It’s full of POO! I thought you were a genius! *'Granny Baby': Hey he’s a guy. *'Libby': (Cindy and Libby are shocked.) She talked. ---- *'Granny Baby': I’m bored! Pull a funny face and let me hit you with the rattle. *'Cindy': No. *(In the b.g. some adults look in their direction.) *'Jimmy': Granny, quiet. *(Carl comes around a corner holding a soda.) *'Carl': Hey Jimmy! I was just buying this soda to trade with Libby for a CD rack and - whose weird-looking baby? *'Jimmy': Uhhhhh Cindy’s! *'Cindy': Is not! *'Granny Baby': Hey farm boy! I’d check your reflection in the wienie rotator before ya call someone weirdlooking. *'Carl': Did that baby talk? *'Jimmy': Shh! No! *'Carl': Did you invent it? Hey everybody my friend invented a talking baby! *(Curious PEOPLE gather in the aisle. Jimmy sees them.) *'Jimmy': Carl’s imagining things. Everyone knows babies can’t talk. *'Granny Baby': That’s right, cos if we could the Videotubbies’d be cancelled so quick it’d make their head aerials spin. *(ANGLE ON the faces of the amazed crowd.) *(EXT. STREET – DAY) ---- *'Hugh (stunned, scared)': B-b-bird? (Judy gets back in and DRIVES OFF with Hugh still on the roof.) *'Cindy': I’d love to stay and help you narrowly avoid even more consequences of your stupid actions but Libby just traded my parents’ china cabinet for an antacid. Libbyyyyy! (Across the street: Almost all the sale items are GONE. A couple carries a china cabinet away. Libby looks sick.) *(NEUTRON LAWN: Carl runs up, panting and sweaty, holding COINS.) *'Carl': Jimmy you forgot your change. I ran all the way from the store, and... oh I forgot my soda. *'Granny': Drink this. *(ranny hands Carl the baby bottle.) *'Jimmy': No! Category:Episodes Category:Fanmade Episodes